interwebs pt II

online dating is a joke. seriously. even the sites that charge the men to get rich ones in...
i made a profile on a couple sites, hoping there might be some fascinating, wealthy man out there for me... big surprise, of all the american guys who contacted me, i thought i had found a decent one, but WRONG! he's a cheap bastard who won't drive to see me, pay for me to visit him, or send me presents. he wants me to drive around 4 hours on my own time, with my own money.
most men are assholes. and most women are bitches.
today in german we were asked to discuss our best friends. i said to the girl i always talk to, "ich habe keine freunden" lol ain't it the truth :P
why even bother when most people are complete idiots. and no, there aren't any better ones on online dating sites. don't even bother.

the internets

so i think using the internet is starting to fuck me up IRL. today i was getting dinner in the caf when the manager came up to where i was and asked what there was. i said "nothing that looked good" and laughed... he looked so pissed. later he brought me a piece of steak. it was burnt :(
i have a tendency to troll hardcore OL, and i know it's bad, but now it's starting to affect how i act. lol i feel awful about how much of a bitch i've been lately...

me at lake michigan

:( i miss the warm sun and the beach. i hate winter in the midwest... this year the weather went straight from spring to winter, not my favourite!

tobacco :)

so i don't smoke very often, a few packs a year. idk, sometimes when i'm bored or can't focus it helps me a lot. i love the taste more than anything. i usually smoke newports, or capri 120 menthols. lol they're probably the girliest smokes ever but they taste good. but recently i started trying other forms of tobacco. my favourite is bandits :) i get the best head buzz from wintergreen bandits. i also love snus, but the kind they sell in america isn't as strong as dip. still though, the camel frost is amazing, it's extremely refreshing and cool. the most amazing thing about snus is that it isn't even bad for you, despite what our liberal country wants us to think. studies have shown that unlike dip, prolonged use of snus won't erode your gums and the lining of your mouth, because it's dry. i really just like it because it's nice to have that nicotine feeling in class or during an exam. it really focuses me!
one last thing, america, it's pronounced "snoo-s" not "snuhs" lol you silly people! at least that's what USA Today said when they published an article on it a couple years ago and interviewed the swedes who make it. i assume since they invented it, the swedes know how to say it.
that's all for today folks! gotta get to bed now.

i'm back

well, there has been a rather long hiatus, i know. i was on summer vacation and i don't have internet at home. another long, boring year of school has begun. i am still unemployed, doubtless because of the economy.
On that note, FUCK OBAMA! his so-called economic reform seems to be doing more harm than good. take a look at the CARS program. widely praised as just the thing to save us, i believe it will lead to dire long-term consequences. sure, lots of people just bought a new car (even if it was a damn jap car) but what's going to happen in the next 5 years, when everyone has a new car??? i think the american automakers will go down for good (except ford and chrysler, with jeep as its savior). what then, obama? and how about the incentive for first-time home buyers??? sure, it has raised the value of homes, but they were astronomically inflated in the past decade! what about in 5 years, when people of my age are looking to buy a home? i predict the prices will be too high for us to afford, leading us to become a nation of renters, like germany. a home is supposed to be your biggest investment, but how are people my age going to be able to make this investment when all the free money runs out and we are left unemployed? i'd like to say this to congress, but those idiots probably wouldn't comprehend it anyway. oh well. FUCK OBAMA ( i voted for nader, don't blame me :) )

vacation!

so one more summer is almost finished and i still feel incomplete. there are so many things i had planned that didn't happen. i'm trying to not be too upset, but it's hard not to. things never work out the way i planned. i guess that's just life :(

my pie recipe

so i've been told i make "the best pie in indiana."
hehe.
i found this recipe through trial and error, and the measurements aren't precise, but precision is less important than you'd think.

dough
- 2.5 cups flour
-1/4 cup sugar
-2/3 cup crisco/ shortening
-2 T butter
-1/4 cup water

cut butter and crisco into flour and sugar into little crumbs, add water and form into a lump. cut in half. roll out half for bottom on wax paper and turn out into pan

filling
-2 small bags of berries. or apples, sliced, enough to fill pan overflowing
- 1.5 cup sugar
-1 T butter, cut up
-1/4 cup tapioca

put filling into bottom crust. roll out top and cut into strips. lay on the pie in a criss-crossed grid. sprinkle with sugar

cook at 375 until it bubbles in the center. cover crust with foil when it turns brown.

enjoy :)
i just made this using mixed berries from aldi mart. it was super delicious :)

vacation

yay!!!! i'm finally on vacation. i waited all year for this. real life is so depressing. i finally have time to catch my breath. and even better, time to think...

so i will now indulge my desire to make lists and also my narcissistic egotism. hehe!

here are some of my likes and dislikes:

likes: coffee, lakes, oceans, rivers, the mediterranean, strawberries, hats, N64, gardening, roses, dahlias, tuberose begonias, anything punk, death metal, or industrial, boots, linux, traveling, singing, playing music, my guitars, baby the stars shine bright, raspberries, kiwis, green beans, vanilla anything, the smell of rose oil, nice people (but not ones who think they're nice), star trek, lost, painting, cloisonne, goth-loli fashion, enamelling , crocheted things, vodka, high heels, lip gloss, makeup, the US Army, shooting things, cats (esp mine!), spanakopita, atheism, the colour black, baking things, siberia, dancing, mr. dress-up, tall people, mr. rogers, ann demulemeester, hockey, trent reznor, queen anne houses, winnie the pooh, brian williams, new york, blonde guys, chicago, bratislava, baseball, italy, munich, green eyes, castles, wrought-iron fences, muscle cars, working out, rowing, lifting, spinach, old marc jacobs, tesco, pittsburgh, soy milk, mink and fox fur, sartre

dislikes or hates: wal-mart, jerks, uggs, kierkegaard, conservative christians, broccoli, conservative clothes, iowa, philadelphia, mom jeans, being landlocked, hair gel, guys who wear too much hair gel, running, ranch-style houses, asparagus, salad dressing, death cab for cutie, indie music, air force people who think they're badass, stupid hipsters who like indie music, boat shoes, kanye west, west virginia, kanye west glasses, rum, geraniums, marigolds, people with brown eyes, redheaded guys, basketball, the cubs (HATE), the smell of dog slobber, pimples, people who fart often, intolerance (hmm, ironic?), hatchbacks, SUVs, pork, any car with more than 2 doors, new marc jacobs, brunette guys, crazy environmentalists, rabbit fur

studying for exams and a quick fashion rant

Well fuck. It's 4 AM and here i am learning about psychoneuroimmunology and how to use das perfekt auf deutsch. i have 4 exams tomorrow, and of course i procrastinated on studying like the imbecile i am.
i'm still having an existential crisis. i have no idea who i am or what i want. today i ran into some one i thought i was pretty good friends with a while ago. but then he decided for some reason to stop talking to me. but i talked to him today.
which doesn't really bring me to my next point.
but here it is:
fuck indie music and the horrendous fashion atrocities it encourages. i can sit here no longer and keep silent. when i was younger, i liked what was called alternative music or sometimes indie, like beck and wilco. it was intelligent and artistic. now what they call indie is soulless stercus like "death cab for cutie" and bs like that. it has no musical talent or real emotion. it's a bunch of wusses with trendy, expensive haircuts, as opposed to the DIY punk style of late 90s alternative.
so there are an alarmingly growing number of "people" at my university that appear to be "indie". you can tell this by the fact that they wear items of clothing out of context completely. i have seen a boy wear a toque repeatedly on 70 degree F days. wtf???? and he doesn't even pull it down. if it were the winter, he would get frostbitten ears.
also. this is the worst and most useless: glasses with no lenses. as if the nerdy glasses recently popularised weren't bad enough, now "people" want the trendy nerd look SO much that they will wear 5 dollar plastic frames with no lenses. i am forced by the cruelty of genetics to wear insanely overpriced pieces of glass or little plastic circles over my eyes. i don't appreciate hipster doofuses trying to make it a damn fashion statement. i don't have a choice.

don't even get me started on these pansies wearing boat shoes when they're not on a boat. i'll save that for another post

i really must start studying again.

wondering

Sometimes i wonder if anyone would notice if i died. I don't have a boyfriend, my family doesn't call ever or visit me, sometimes i sleep all day and night. And no one ever notices. I don't have anyone to take care of, or anyone to take care of me. I have nothing left. I feel like no one. oh well. and still people laugh at me when i do leave my room, commenting on how short my skirts are or the tank tops i wear. and i don't give a good god damn about them, but it hurts a little when i finally get the courage to walk around and all i get is negativity and apathy.
i really wish someone cared.

rant

today i am going to try to get something accomplished. yesterday all i did was sleep. i woke up around 5PM and ate dinner. that was basically all i did. it really needs to end. i'm wasting my life here, all i do is eat, sleep, and go to the gym. i used to have hobbies, like gardening, sewing, painting, playing music, etc. but now that i'm in college, all i do is hang out. it's pathetic. i realllllly need to get my shit together and start living again. i hate this empty, absurd person i've become. "i used to want it all// i used to be somebody."
i guess i'll try to start today, because last week was so horrible. i'm not sure i even went to a single class. i'm just glad it will all be over in a week. but i can't really go home- i don't really have a home. i've lived all over the place... there's nowhere that feels like home. it's sad.
but i swear, i'll try as hard as i can to change. i was completely different before i came to college, and i just want to get back to how i was.
yep.

dye, dye, dye

well, today was interesting. i didn't have any classes, but it turns out i missed a couple of final exams last week unknowingly. oh well. i'll have to talk to the profs. but anyway, it was a pathetically cold day. springtime in michigan just isn't the same as it is in southern indiana. the flowers here are all a month or two later, as are the trees...
so it puts me in a miserable mood this time of year. i just want it to be warm and temperate! i woke up around 3. i went to my hair appointment terrified! i had a very extreme artistic vision in my head, involving large pink and violet patches in my hair, which is otherwise brown and wavy.
i arrived at the salon and my stylist was the most adorable gay man! he had bleached his hair almost silver and had a terrific tan. he did the bleaching i wanted and i applied the pink dye later, but it's tragically subtle. i would never! recommend semi-permanent dyes...
i spent some time with a new guy friend of mine...
i want to tell him so much how strongly i feel about him but can never work up enough courage! and so i hugged him goodnight and we parted ways.
a few hours ago, i decided to dye some clothes of mine black (my favourite colour!). i had a couple bottles of black rit, and they turned out wonderfully!
so all in all, i suppose it was a decent day...
as far as my life goes anyway.

another good morning at michigan state. jk.

well hello my darlings! it's now 4:45 AM. why am i not sleeping? well my mind is racing. i'm getting my hair bleached out tomorrow so i can put pink in it. i really don't give a shit, my hair looks terrible anyway. i'm excited about summer vacation. no army stuff for a while, so i thought, well shit! let's go get some manic panic and have a party!
and so i'm terrified that my hair will look worse than it already does. now i'll never get another boyfriend. i've been single since october. i have this terrible habit of being attracted only to guys with major issues, then when they start to annoy me, i give up on them. it's a cyclical sickness. flirt, date, get bored,dump, repeat.
of all the annoying people in the world, i think i am one of the most annoying. i hate my voice, the way i dress, my laugh, my attitude. and no matter how much i change things, there's this unrelenting self-loathing.
the only time i like myself is when i'm in my army uniforms, doing what i'm told...

oh well. i suppose that's why i can't sleep.